L: Living life on your own terms

R's grandma passed away yesterday. She was 83 years old and all this while she was living in the village, by herself, tending to her cows, cooking her own food and some villagers had her back. All this time, she refused to come and live with her children or with her brothers and sisters. She was labelled 'stubborn' and after repeated attempts of coaxing her to stay with someone, she still constantly refused. Today, they said she might have lived a longer life and could have 'lived like a queen', had she agreed to live with her children. Does it really matter? Isn't it true that she did whatever she wanted, however she chose and for as long as she lived, she lived life on her own terms? I agree that she lived rather precariously, walking bare foot and doing chores her age wouldn't agree with. But who gets to decide what is wise and what is foolish? I mean, isn't your life your own to make your choices? I guess not! Why should you get labelled a 'rebel', when you just make a different choice? I mean, isn't that what individuality is all about? About making your choices and each person is different because of them.

That got me thinking. At what point do we start doing things just because they are expected of us? And at what point do those things actually become the things we do? I'm not really sure that line even exists. When does this social conditioning begin? For me, I don't know when this started and I can't even put a finger on what I do because I like to and what I've just grown up to like, because I don't know any better. It's a very scary thought for me that I could have been a whole different person doing something else if I had made my choices without being 'required' to do something. And I'm not even talking about big life choices, (of course I have been lucky enough to study what I want, marry who I want and live where I choose to). I'm talking about small things like choosing your clothes, friends, loving who you want and respecting people because you want to and not because you ought to, among so many other things. And don't even get me started on the social conditioning of the male in India and maybe other places!

All these things are suddenly important to me because I want to make sure I give Pickles what I didn't have: the option to make those choices. Although I know I will probably make some choices for him when he's young, I at least hope he is an active participant in most choices and that we can talk about them. I'll let you know in a few years about how that is turning out. But for now, I don't want to be forced into making certain parenting choices just because 'everybody else does so'! Issue in question (at this point): his tonsure. I know I need to pick my battles and at this point, I'm not even sure if this is worth it. But at what point does one draw the line? At what point do you actively start questioning why you ought to do what everybody does? But again, I'm not judging people who do certain things. I'm just saying that I would do what works for me.

I really hope the world is different in a few years from now and the children of the future have lesser rules to adhere to and more active choices. And I'm quite positive it will happen.

K: KonMari

Although I've never been obsessive about it, I like order. I like to have all my things organised and in an ideal world keep my home (and life) clutter-free. Whenever I get a chance to observe and adapt someone else's ideas, I'm more than willing to give it a try. So, when Shub told me about KonMari, I read up online about her ideas and it all seemed very interesting. I also went so far as to get one of her books and read it. I found Marie Kondo's ideas quite fascinating and although I found myself nodding vigorously at some points, I wasn't totally convinced by some. Some of her ideas that really caught my attention were

1) Before actually organising stuff, she talks about first discarding the stuff that we don't really need and then organising the stuff thats left thereafter.

2) She suggests handling things by item instead of by room, as in she says if you're organising your wardrobe, you should deal with all your clothes instead of just the ones you have in one room or closet. She also mentions a particular order in which things should be dealt with, while cleaning up your home.

3)One of the most important things she mentions is about keeping only things that spark joy and discard things which don't. I'm not entirely sure I'd agree with this but it works.

I'd read the book and I had decided that I'd declutter before we move to our new home and then set up the new place with only the things I need. But R's trip just days short of our moving date, the added stress and a little laziness on my part made sure that didn't happen. And although I tried to de-clutter as much of my stuff as I could, R (the hoarder)'s stuff is quite a lot and we ended up moving with all of it.

Along with Marie Kondo's book, I was also in parallel reading about the minimal wardrobe. This talks about having a few classic pieces in your wardrobe and avoiding the cliched situation of having tons of stuff and still nothing to wear! So, armed with the knowledge of both these articles/books, I set myself a goal: to make a functional wardrobe for myself with fewer pieces (I'm pretty sure I cannot manage the 10-piece or even 20-piece wardrobe for that matter) but each one really loved. I've decluttered my closet a fair bit and I'm now working on equipping it with only things I really love. I'm quite strict when I shop these days and I buy stuff only if I reeeeaally love it and only after I've tried it on and still love it and if it fits in well with the pieces I already have. And I've decided that for any new item that comes in, one or two old pieces go out. This seems to working wonders for me so far. My wardrobe is still a work in progress and so is my home. But hopefully I'll be proud enough  to post pictures here. Some day!

J: Just awe-inspiring

I met a good old friend today. We were together in school and through the years, although we haven't managed to keep in touch all that much, I didn't feel the distance when we spoke today. In fact, we picked up right where we had left off. So, I've always admired this friend for various reasons. She was always a leader, and also the irritating class monitor who wrote your name on the board for talking in class. I've known her to always follow the rules, meet the expectations of everyone and yet stand up for what she believes in.

Today, she is a mother of two children, one of who is ill. I found out about this a few years ago and I haven't spoken to her since. I know it is cowardly of me but I didn't know what to say to her. I'm glad we went to see her today. The way in which she has handled the whole situation and turned it around is amazing! I know it helps that her 10 year old is a rockstar but I wouldn't expect anything less from him as her son. And when I told her that she is amazing, she said, "I did go through a phase of 'why me?' and what had I done to deserve this? But then eventually you accept it and find it in you to do whatever it takes to make the best of the circumstances." While I agree with what she said, I still think it takes a special kind of mother to handle a sick kid, with the kind of attitude she has and the gusto with which she is approaching treatment options. And all the while, she was counting her blessings saying, "I at least had great family support. I saw single mothers handling the same situation and I considered myself so lucky!"

It takes a very special kind of person to rise up to the occasion, especially where kids are concerned. And if all the kids going through a rough patch had a mum like her, the world would be so much happier.

I: India

This one had to be a no-brainer considering Pickles and I are making this trip here at this time. And yet, it took me a while to actually come up with it!

So, Pickles and I are here in India, making our almost-annual trip and both of us are having a good time, not to mention the happiness of the people around. I'm making a note of the most important facets of this trip so far.

1) The most important is the amount of Love that Pickles and I have been at the receiving end of. I can see why it is so easy to get spoiled on this. From parents, sisters, cousins, friends and all, its something that keeps pulling me this way every single time.

2) The number of people Pickles has been meeting is probably more than he would meet in Singapore in a year. No, I'm not kidding! And yet, he remembers the names of every single person he's met so far. I'm hoping I can keep that memory instilled.

3)The food! I really dont know where to start on that one. On one end, I'm stuffing my face with all that mom's cooking just for me and on the other, the numerous restaurants that I want to relive and newer ones to try.

4) The weather, this time is a bitch. It is the same as in Singapore, hot! But at least its not humid, so I'm happy to deal with that.

5) The traffic, can it get any worse? Apparently, it can!

6) It feels like a vacation and yet it has been pretty tiring considering my day revolves around Pickles' routine. It is hard to fly solo!

I'm not looking forward to the end of this vacation and I guess no matter how many days I spend here, it will still never be enough!

H: Hoarders

I visit my parent's place once in every one and half years or so. And every time I visit, the one thing that stands out to me is how little things have changed. Although people seemed to have changed, the home I grew up in seems eerily much the same, just as I had left it some 10 years ago. The old sofa with a 'new look', the furniture, the same books and many other same possessions. Not that the house hasn't acquired new stuff, it has. So much so that there is hardly any place to move anything around. But the older stuff like our books,  an old sewing machine which has seen better days, cassette tapes, an old computer and so many things that are hardly even touched any more are sitting firmly in their positions, knowing fully well that this family loves to hoard. And then I've noticed the same phenomenon repeat in my in-laws place as well. So, obviously it's not a trait exclusive to my family.

In the recent past, I have started to de-clutter my life and mainly my possessions. I was reading up on the KonMari method of de-cluttering and some things in the book suddenly made a lot of sense to me.  I guess the take-home message in that book is that every single thing in our life has a purpose, and once that purpose is served, we must learn to let it go. So, I am trying to practise that in earnest, letting go of things that I don't need/use or in Marie Kondo's terminology, 'doesn't spark joy'. More details on that process in another post but for now, I generally look at things and then in my head, decide whether things should stay or go.

I think we have some sort of inbuilt mechanism that tells us to hang on to something for as long as we can. I think we are wired like that since we are babies. I look at Pickles hanging on to little parts of his broken toys, a once-upon-a-time-loved train carriage, a lion with a severed leg, a three-wheeled car. I tell him lets throw this and he wont have any of it. I tried to put it away and thought he wouldn't notice if it is gone, but notice he did and kicked up such a fuss that I eventually caved. Since even babies are such hoarders, what hope do we adults have. R is such a hoarder and refuses to get rid of anything. I finally put my foot down and started to de-clutter my home anyway. I was proud of what I had accomplished but imagine my surprise when I saw the nanny G holding on to some of the stuff in her already small room. Turns out she's an even bigger hoarder. I only figured this out when we were moving to the new place and suddenly so many things that I'd thought I'd actually gotten rid of started showing up. More so when G told me that she didn't have enough boxes to put all her stuff in, although she had came to live with us with one small suitcase a couple of years ago. And since then, I've had to give her explicit instructions to get rid of stuff.

I read somewhere that the average person owns about 10,000 things in his lifetime. And I thought, wow, that's a lot! But looking around, I guess it's really not that hard to believe. The article also said the lesser possessions you have, the happier you are. I don't know how true that is but if we all stop hoarding, maybe there will be more stuff to go around for all the people who really have nothing.And maybe that will mean more happier people.

G: Grandparents

"If I'd known grandchildren were so much fun, I'd have had them first."-Anon.

I read this somewhere recently and I thought to myself, no wonder grand parenting is so much fun. It is just the fun part of parenting without the need to do all the hard stuff. Also, you can dish out advice at your kids and argue about the same stuff that they thought was wrong when you were a kid and now suddenly it doesn't apply to their grandchild anymore!

But even so, there is something to be said about the new avatar that the grandparent dons in the presence of the grandchild. I agree I'm a relatively new mother but in these couple of years, I've seen both my parents and my in-laws turn into mush in the presence of Pickles. I've seen my strict disciplinarian dad (whose mere raised voice would make us burst into tears) make weird funny sounds for his giggling grandson. I stood there with my mouth open for a full five minutes when I heard him sing to Pickles. My mom on the other hand is changing her ways in the kitchen and learning new recipes just to watch her grandson relish the dishes she's cooked and be thanked by a 'thakku mamama' (thank you, grandma). Ma's learnt how to use whatsapp just to see pictures of Pickles and she insists I must send her one picture every day! I've watched my calm and serious Father-in-law do a little dance to put his grandson to bed. I've heard him roar in laughter over Pickles' silly antics. I find my mother-in-law doing research on the internet to help solve a problem that he might be having.

I guess it must be true. There is a proverb in hindi 'Asal se sooth jyada pyara hota hai', which literally translates to 'the interest is far dearer than the principal amount'. What it really means is that people love their grandchildren way more than they love their children themselves. I for one, am beginning to see the truth in that.

F: Festivities and following traditions

My parents was neither very religious nor did we strictly follow traditions around festivals. But they made sure we knew why each festival was celebrated and we had some small things that we'd do after a small pooja at home. As kids, we'd look forward to Diwali, Ganesh Chathurthi, Sankranthi and some other hindu festivals, for different reasons. It was the lights and fire crackers and oil-baths at Diwali, new clothes at some of the festivals, the 'yellu-bella' at Sankranthi and so on. And of course, the food associated with each one of them. Although mom never had the time or inclination to cook all the 'necessary' goodies, she either bought them or we'd eat them at a relative's place. Each festival brings back some very fond memories. 

When I moved to Singapore, although I missed being part of the celebrations at home, I never really missed any of the practices. And hence, I never made an effort to either follow them or to do anything remotely festive. Most of the times, I wouldn't even know when a festival came by unless ma explicitly mentioned it to me. After R came into the picture, he shared a similar attitude and things continued in pretty much the same way. Although we would attend Diwali parties and have fun, we never really did anything special for any of the festivals.

A few years later, Pickles came into the picture and suddenly things changed. Suddenly, I was my mom! I wanted to do things just so he would know what these little festivities mean. I wanted him to have fond memories just like I do, of every single festival. Whether he chooses to follow those little traditions or not, is a choice I would leave to him. But I want to make sure he has that choice. 

Why I mention this today is because tomorrow is Ugadi and I am here, looking forward to celebrating it with family. And I hope Pickles has fun too!