Letting go

Milestones. They are those weird events that you wait for and yet when they actually happen, leave you with an ache in your heart. They sneak up on you when you least expect them to and before you know it, you are wishing to go back to old times. It is probably the fact that so many events seem to be happening so quickly in succession, but it suddenly seems so drastic to me.

It all started with the weaning. It was a huge milestone for me that passed with not as much difficulty as I had expected, considering that Pickles could be reasoned with, at most times.

And then recently, we converted his crib into a toddler bed, so he could slip in and out with ease without us having to worry that he will jump out of it. Pickles was of course very excited with this development and loved his new bed. It is indeed another matter that he hasn't really slept in it for longer than a couple of hours each night.

And the biggest change is his haircut! We shaved his head as per the traditional ceremony (more on that in another post) and his really cute curls are gone. And suddenly my little baby has turned into this cute little boy with big earnest eyes. I can hardly recognise him until he shyly gives me his special dimpled smile and hugs me with his eyes closed.

And I silently mourn this rite of passage that Pickles has made, from a cute baby to a naughty toddler. Just only until he puts his arms around my neck and says "I douve you, amma." Maybe toddlerhood isn't that bad after all.

Z: Zero

Zero is the number of posts I have left for this challenge. Zero is also the enthusiasm and energy that I have left! While I am happy that it is over, a part of me is also sad. But yeah, I'll stick to mostly happy.

This A-Z challenge has been relatively easier when compared to the last year. While I was a lot less panicky this time around, I know I didn't do justice to a lot of posts too. I would blame the 27767367864 things happening in my life right now and an equal number of things that I've had to deal with, at the same time. So, yeah, I have no regrets. I'm glad I made it to the finish. At one point, I was considering abandoning the challenge but no, I don't think I could have lived with that. So, I went ahead and continued anyway.

The trip to India was a good one. I went with zero expectations, knowing fully well that I couldn't do everything I wanted to with Pickles and I just wanted him to have a good time and get to know all those people who really matter to me. And since I went with no expectations, it was great how everything just fell into place. Although I couldn't really meet all the people I wanted to, I managed to at least have some one-on-one time (however little that was) with most of the people. I do feel sad that I couldn't meet some of them but hey, we're coming back soon. Although a few unpleasant events happened towards the end of the trip, I'm glad we made it back and maybe I will write about it. Maybe when I'm more ready for it though. Another thing I realised this time also was that it's great to have family around. Things seem so much more bearable when they are around!

At the end of this challenge, I made a promise to myself that I will definitely try and blog a little more than I have in the past. All those unwritten posts will make it to this space, and hopefully soon. I will try and not let life get in the way. I think it is a great way of chronicling everything that's happening and I know I will enjoy reading it myself someday and so will Pickles. So, for his sake and mine, I will make that happen. So for now, the plan is to blog once a week at least. And those of you who are reading this(I'm talking to the four of you, yes!), you can find me and kick my ass if I don't. 

R: Reassurance

Sometimes, when you're complaining about a mundane life and about every little thing that has gone wrong, all you need is an incident. One that will shut you up and make you long for the mundaneness. One that will make you thankful for all the unusualness. One that will reassure you that this is good. Life could get so much worse!

K: KonMari

Although I've never been obsessive about it, I like order. I like to have all my things organised and in an ideal world keep my home (and life) clutter-free. Whenever I get a chance to observe and adapt someone else's ideas, I'm more than willing to give it a try. So, when Shub told me about KonMari, I read up online about her ideas and it all seemed very interesting. I also went so far as to get one of her books and read it. I found Marie Kondo's ideas quite fascinating and although I found myself nodding vigorously at some points, I wasn't totally convinced by some. Some of her ideas that really caught my attention were

1) Before actually organising stuff, she talks about first discarding the stuff that we don't really need and then organising the stuff thats left thereafter.

2) She suggests handling things by item instead of by room, as in she says if you're organising your wardrobe, you should deal with all your clothes instead of just the ones you have in one room or closet. She also mentions a particular order in which things should be dealt with, while cleaning up your home.

3)One of the most important things she mentions is about keeping only things that spark joy and discard things which don't. I'm not entirely sure I'd agree with this but it works.

I'd read the book and I had decided that I'd declutter before we move to our new home and then set up the new place with only the things I need. But R's trip just days short of our moving date, the added stress and a little laziness on my part made sure that didn't happen. And although I tried to de-clutter as much of my stuff as I could, R (the hoarder)'s stuff is quite a lot and we ended up moving with all of it.

Along with Marie Kondo's book, I was also in parallel reading about the minimal wardrobe. This talks about having a few classic pieces in your wardrobe and avoiding the cliched situation of having tons of stuff and still nothing to wear! So, armed with the knowledge of both these articles/books, I set myself a goal: to make a functional wardrobe for myself with fewer pieces (I'm pretty sure I cannot manage the 10-piece or even 20-piece wardrobe for that matter) but each one really loved. I've decluttered my closet a fair bit and I'm now working on equipping it with only things I really love. I'm quite strict when I shop these days and I buy stuff only if I reeeeaally love it and only after I've tried it on and still love it and if it fits in well with the pieces I already have. And I've decided that for any new item that comes in, one or two old pieces go out. This seems to working wonders for me so far. My wardrobe is still a work in progress and so is my home. But hopefully I'll be proud enough  to post pictures here. Some day!

H: Hoarders

I visit my parent's place once in every one and half years or so. And every time I visit, the one thing that stands out to me is how little things have changed. Although people seemed to have changed, the home I grew up in seems eerily much the same, just as I had left it some 10 years ago. The old sofa with a 'new look', the furniture, the same books and many other same possessions. Not that the house hasn't acquired new stuff, it has. So much so that there is hardly any place to move anything around. But the older stuff like our books,  an old sewing machine which has seen better days, cassette tapes, an old computer and so many things that are hardly even touched any more are sitting firmly in their positions, knowing fully well that this family loves to hoard. And then I've noticed the same phenomenon repeat in my in-laws place as well. So, obviously it's not a trait exclusive to my family.

In the recent past, I have started to de-clutter my life and mainly my possessions. I was reading up on the KonMari method of de-cluttering and some things in the book suddenly made a lot of sense to me.  I guess the take-home message in that book is that every single thing in our life has a purpose, and once that purpose is served, we must learn to let it go. So, I am trying to practise that in earnest, letting go of things that I don't need/use or in Marie Kondo's terminology, 'doesn't spark joy'. More details on that process in another post but for now, I generally look at things and then in my head, decide whether things should stay or go.

I think we have some sort of inbuilt mechanism that tells us to hang on to something for as long as we can. I think we are wired like that since we are babies. I look at Pickles hanging on to little parts of his broken toys, a once-upon-a-time-loved train carriage, a lion with a severed leg, a three-wheeled car. I tell him lets throw this and he wont have any of it. I tried to put it away and thought he wouldn't notice if it is gone, but notice he did and kicked up such a fuss that I eventually caved. Since even babies are such hoarders, what hope do we adults have. R is such a hoarder and refuses to get rid of anything. I finally put my foot down and started to de-clutter my home anyway. I was proud of what I had accomplished but imagine my surprise when I saw the nanny G holding on to some of the stuff in her already small room. Turns out she's an even bigger hoarder. I only figured this out when we were moving to the new place and suddenly so many things that I'd thought I'd actually gotten rid of started showing up. More so when G told me that she didn't have enough boxes to put all her stuff in, although she had came to live with us with one small suitcase a couple of years ago. And since then, I've had to give her explicit instructions to get rid of stuff.

I read somewhere that the average person owns about 10,000 things in his lifetime. And I thought, wow, that's a lot! But looking around, I guess it's really not that hard to believe. The article also said the lesser possessions you have, the happier you are. I don't know how true that is but if we all stop hoarding, maybe there will be more stuff to go around for all the people who really have nothing.And maybe that will mean more happier people.

Reflections: the A to Z challenge

I'm sorry that this comes a bit late. We took a vacation just as the challenge was over. And yes, I had a fabulous time, thank you!

I'm so glad that I did this challenge. It was an eye opener for me, in so many ways.

First of all, it got me out of my inertia to actually do something, have fun doing it and not complain about lack of time. Like I've said before, I have proved it to myself that if I want to really do something, I can! Even at the risk of sounding immodest, I'll say I'm quite proud of myself.

I don't know which part of this was more fun, racking my brains everyday, writing the posts, reading my friends' posts or discovering new blogs. Thanks to the fact that my friends did the challenge with me, it took the fun to another level. And I think it just brought me closer to the friends who took part and then to others who are quietly read and egged me on. And yes, our whatsapp discussions just made sure we kept in touch frequently. And thanks to this whole exercise, I know my friends a little better, they know a little more about me. Even R commented that he didn't know about me, some of the things that I wrote about. I guess along the way it was a path of discovery for myself too.

As some of you may have noticed, in the beginning I only posted at the end of the day but towards the middle of the challenge, I started posting it first thing in the morning. It just helped me instill some discipline into my life again. Also, it made my life a little more exciting. It was something I looked forward to at the end of the day although I'll admit that some days I would loathe having to do anything by the end of the day. But such days were few.

I know all my posts were not the best I could have done and some were better than the others. Still, I am glad I kept going. I started at a slow pace, not sure I liked what I was posting but as I went on, I actually was happy with some of my posts. Most of my posts were random ramblings, mostly about the things going on currently in my life, a lot to do with friends and family. I finally got started with the escapade series and that brought on so much nostalgia. (Yes, I remember. I will finish the series. I promise there is more exciting stuff coming up).

Thanks to all of you for reading and being a part of this journey with me. And more importantly, thanks to all of you who made the effort  to comment. It really kept me going. And it also taught me a lesson, to comment on other people's blogs when I read them. And yes, the traffic at the blog has increased as compared to nothing I had before. It is definitely good to know that someone out there reads and maybe enjoys my posts.

And most of all, I'm glad I'm blogging again. I hope I will continue. I sure as hell will try. I've heard from friends, from my sisters and the five people who read this blog, that they enjoyed it. You know who you are. I want to say thank you for your encouragement. One part of me is happy that it is over and that I don't have to stress about another letter tomorrow. But another part of me is also sad. All that excitement is now gone. I have to find a new project now to look forward to.

I wasn't sure how to deal with the withdrawal symptoms until I realised the simplest solution. To keep blogging!

M is for Motherhood

This was a no-brainer for me! M had to be for Motherhood. With this post, I've actually made it halfway through the challenge. How are you faring?

"Wait till you have a kid, and then you will know!", I've heard this enough number of times from my mum and several other mums too. I guess it is true, motherhood teaches you so many things, it's amazing! It's almost like with the title mum, you also get many other qualities imbibed into you, just by diffusion or something. Motherhood has changed me in so many ways that sometimes I wonder if I am still the same person at all. The list below is not exhaustive, just things I could think of over the top of my head:

Sleep
I have always been a person who needed a minimum of 8 hours a night. I could hardly function well without sleep. That is one of the first things that changed after motherhood. I can hardly remember a night since Pickles was born, where I even slept for 6 hours straight. Now I am amazed at how little sleep I can actually get by with.

Patience
Patience was initially a virtue that I was completely devoid of. I used to think R would be the one who's more patient with the kids and I would be the impatient parent. But I was wrong. I find myself being patient with Pickles for things that would have driven me crazy before he came along. Although I've always had a short fuse for a lot of things, with Pickles, I've actually surprised myself time and again. I can actually do the same thing a million times with him, sing the same songs, read the same books over and over,  and generally handle him without losing it. I used to always wonder how Ma could be so patient. Now I think, it's probably due to the fact that she has four children, so she would have needed four times the amount of patience to handle us!

Multitasking
If I thought I was good at multitasking before, now I must be a super multi-tasker or something. My mind is constantly a whirr of things that need to be done. And I am always planning the next thing to do on my calendar even as I am finishing a task. Planning work in the lab has never been better. I try and get as much done in as little time as I can, just so I can be home in time for Pickles! No more working late nights or weekends for me. Making shopping lists, grocery shopping, planning meals and everything else happens like clockwork. Calls to friends and family are only during travel time and that is the only time I have to talk/message.

Extra energy?
As I mentioned above, all that multitasking ensures that I get so many things done! Sometimes, I find it amazing that I have energy left even when I am overwhelmed with fatigue. I can actually get up from bed to do that one little chore that I had forgotten about (a thought that was laughable at one time!). And to top it all, I can wake up in the middle of the night to pump breastmilk if need be. My current mantra is, 'what doesn't kill you, actually makes you stronger'.

Paranoia
I am bothered by things that never bothered me earlier. I am scared about a lot of things, like climate change! I worry about what kind of a world I've brought Pickles into. I find myself crinkling up my nose at smokers, especially if they're smoking around Pickles. I refuse to get associated with people, who I think will be a bad influence on him.

I want to be a better person
This is one of the best changes that motherhood has brought about. I am constantly trying to be a better person now, because I want to teach Pickles to do the right things. I figure that if I don't follow what I preach, how can I expect him to take me seriously? Whether it is the silliest of habits like washing hands or important practises like being polite, I have to do it right, so that I can give Pickles something to look up to, something to follow.

More appreciation for my own Mother
I've always loved Ma a lot, and I respect her a great deal. But after I stepped into motherhood, I have a newfound respect for her. When I sometimes complain that it is difficult to manage with a job and one kid, I wonder how she managed singlehandedly four kids and a full-time job with little or almost no help from my dad! And she did an amazing job with all of us. I can't remember even one instance when I needed her and she wasn't there for me, even now!

It just gets me thinking that she set the bar too high. If I can manage to be half the mother that Ma is, I will consider that I have done justice to my role as a mother.

K is for Keeping fit

I am not an extremely fit person. But I try to make sure I eat healthy and exercise regularly, although I tend to hit road blocks every now and then. When it comes to fitness, I'm not a very picky person. As in, as long as I have company, I'll go with the flow. If I find a friend who is a swimming enthusiast, I'll gladly swim. If I find company for a run, I will run. Call it a weak mind, but a buddy system is my best form of training.

I remember the best form I was in was probably around 10 years ago. I was single, had a good job and lived with my parents. Every morning, I would wake up at 3:30 am (insane, I know!) and head to the gym at 4 am. And then I would go for a run with my coach and a bunch of others. Coach was a veteran runner who represented India in the Asian games. He was still competing in the veteran category. For some reason, he had taken me under his wing and decided to coach me to get in good form. I would gladly accompany him for his morning jog (which was, of course a run for me!), irrespective of whether the others would turn up or not. Then around 5am, we would get back to the gym to hit the machines or join the cardio class, depending on whatever was the schedule for the day. Coach encouraged me to keep a record of what I was doing at the gym and what I was eating, also the amount of weight/inches lost or how close I was getting to my ideal weight and fitness levels. And during that one year, I think I was in the fittest form of my life, and why not? I was working out for almost 2 hours, six days a week.

And then I moved! Singapore is a runner's paradise. I would see runners everywhere and at any time of the day, be it hot afternoons, early mornings or late nights! There are tracks and park connectors all over town and what's more, it is safe to run at any time of the day or night. So, I got R to accompany me in the beginning and soon he was bitten by the bug too. We ran a few 10Ks in the first year and a half-marathon in the next. Then, we met friends who made running even more fun. We started training for the marathon together. R and I ran every day in the evenings. And every weekend involved a stay-over with friends followed by an early morning run and then a much-deserved breakfast/brunch. And we all finished the full marathon that year. Although the training was fun, I swore I would never put my body through that again (that is a story for another day). After finishing the marathon, I ran a few times again, but never so regularly.

Later, R and decided to get as fit as we could, when we could still do it. We both joined the gym and it became a regular thing again after work, three days a week. We would both push each other, eat healthy and follow a very strict regimen. We even went swimming once a week. And then, work or someone visiting would get in the way and our exercise routine would be destroyed. We would attempt to start again but only to let something disrupt it and from there things just went downhill. We played badminton with friends once a week, and that remained the only form of exercise for a long  time.

And then I got pregnant and I still continued to play badminton. But I had some complications with the pregnancy and then from then on, I was forbidden from any strenuous form of exercise. I went swimming once in a while and walked very often but that was it. After Pickles was born, however, I had no form of exercise at all. My only form of exercise was running for the bus and rocking him to sleep.

All that has slowly started to change. A month ago, I decided enough is enough and that I need more me-time. I started to go for a swim once a week with a friend. Then, this weekend, I went for a run in the morning, and it felt amazing! I ran while R walked Pickles in his stroller. I realized how much I miss the rush. And I want to do it more often. I am even contemplating joining a class, so I am forced to go but I fear it may be a bit too overwhelming and that I might give up something else. It's hard being a mom. It's bad enough to leave Pickles every morning and go to work. But doing something in the non-work time is another level of guilt altogether.  But I also think I owe this to myself and my sanity. Perhaps a run every weekend by myself, a kickboxing class maybe. But I'm hoping I can do more eventually. Wish me luck!

A is for Achievements

If you had asked me a few years ago, what my biggest achievement in life was, I would have said different things depending on the time.

In my school years, I would have said it is that I was the school topper. When I was older and in college, I would have still said something along those lines. You see, education was given top priority in my growing years. But maybe in college, I would have also said that I have the coolest friends circle and told you how much of a rebel I was and what I had done to show for it. 

Much later I would have told you that I was one of the best at my job. I would also probably tell you that I had bought a bike with my own money after much rebellion and it was the single biggest achievement of my life. I was incredibly proud of it.

Until last year, I would have said that I am proudest of my Phd. It was also something that I had worked the hardest for.

But all that changed last year when I had Pickles. Last year was the hardest year of my life. Having him was the single most important achievement, I don’t even know if I would call him that. He is more like the trophy I got after all the hardship. But I do know that having him was the hardest thing I have ever done and everything else I’d done in life simply pales in comparison. 

If I thought having him was hard, bringing him up seems even harder. Parenthood is hard. But it is also sweet. Like a good friend once told me, “It is about extreme happiness and extreme pain, all put together into one little package”.

Today, I think that if I can make a decent human being out of this little guy; then I’d consider it ‘the’ achievement of my life.

Lets start over

Hello, there!

It has been a long time. I had almost forgotten about the existence of this blog. I said almost! I wont blame you if you had too.

It has been almost two three years since I blogged here. In this long hiatus, among other things, I graduated with a Phd, found myself a real job and also made a little person. This little person (I suppose will eventually feature here) has pretty much taken over my life now.

Ever since some sanity has resurfaced, I have been thinking about blogging again. So, when some good friends (who, btw will also feature on the blog eventually) decided to do the April A-to-Z blogging challenge, I didn't need much persuasion to join right in. It's probably not a great time to be doing this, considering that with the new job, and baby, I have my hands full. Which is why it will be a challenge. But one post a day, everyday?! A bit much for someone who has been gone for so long, you say. True. But I'm hoping that since I have committed to it, I will finish it. Also, the little amount of discipline that it will need may help me focus on other projects eventually.

I'm nervous, but also very excited. Nervous because I have no clue how I will do this. And excited to be blogging again. Excited to read more blogposts too. Also, I am definitely not going to stick to a theme. So, you will find a lot of randomness coming this way.

For those of you, who are reading this, drop me a line when you can. It might just help to keep me going.

So,  *takes a deep breath* lets do this!

2011: The year that whizzed past

I’m writing this post to keep up with my tradition from the last two years. I was just reading my post from last year. I think that the issues I had last year are not major issues anymore. So I guess it means I have made some progress with my life. Or that other issues have taken precedence.

I prefer to do my stock-taking-on-life at the end of the year. As some of you will know, I am ..erm.. lets just say…. not a very happy “birthday person”.

Made fewer trips this year, compared to the last. The major one to USA happened (thanks to a conference again), the highlight being the trip to the glorious Yosemite.

Travelled home to India not once or twice, but thrice this year. Not to mention, I am here at New Year’s Eve. Now, that must mean something, right?

Caught a few good concerts in 2011, Shaan and Raahat. Sadly though, I’ll never be able to witness Jagjit Singh and Bhupen Hazarika, live in action.

On the professional front, the research is going somewhere, I think. Presented my work at the conference this year. Took my Qualifying Exams and actually passed them. Hopefully, I finish in a year and half. Fingers crossed!!

But mostly, this year sucked! Really. I can think of more unhappy things that happened than the happy ones. And yet, I will choose to remember only the happier moments.

2011, I’m happy to see you go.

I hope the one coming up is a better one.

Birthday blues!

I turn 30 in a week. 

I was always terrified of turning thirty. I don’t know why but it was my scary age. I  wanted to make sure that by the time I turn 30, I should have done enough as a big chunk of my life would have passed by.

I can’t remember when I actually came up with this list but in the last few years, I’ve added to the list and its always been there at the back of my mind and I kept working on it for as far as I can remember.

Now that D-day is a week to go, I thought I’d see how I fared.

1) I should own my own motorbike.

This was the first one to come true. I owned my first bike, my pulsar 180 about 6 years ago. Though she’s not mine anymore, she’ll be my favorite one always. I own one now, which I am fond of too. So yes, that one’s done.

2) I should have run a marathon.

I ran my first and (I think) my last marathon last year. That was one of the most difficult things I did in my life and I’m proud of myself for that.

3) I should be able to cook a decent meal for myself.

Oh, yes, I can do more than a decent meal. I can cook a mean gourmet meal. Even at the risk of sounding immodest, I am a good cook.

4) I should have a blog and should write regularly.

My Blog. Here it is and I am actually putting up the rest of the list on it. About doing it regularly, I’m getting there. I’m trying. Aren’t I?

5) I should know what I want to do with my life, career wise.

I was confused for the longest time. But finally, I think this is what I want to do. I enrolled into a graduate program this year, one of the best things I did for myself. Hopefully, I should end up with a PhD in 4-5 years, but I am getting there.

6) I should have visited at least 2 foreign countries.

Counting Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia and Vietnam, I’ve visited 4 countries. Not bad eh?

7) I should have learnt to play a musical instrument.

I started learning to play the guitar 3 years ago. Though I’m not extremely good at it, I can play a decent tune.

8) I should learn to swim.

I can swim all right, maybe not as well as I’d like to, but I cannot drown in a swimming pool. How I’d fare in deeper waters is a different question altogether.

9) I should be fit and in the best shape of my life. X

Well, I am fit but I am not exactly in the best shape. I got my gym membership a couple of months ago. I should get there in another year or so.

10) I should have a tattoo.

After thinking about it for soooooo long, I finally got myself a tattoo last night.

Yes, it did hurt a little bit and yes, it feels great!! With that I did indeed complete my list of things to do before I turn 30 and I still have a week to go. :)

Looking back, I think I’ve done reasonably well. 8.5/10 is not that bad. I thought it would be scary. But turns out, its not anything like I imagined it would be.

When I was younger, I looked forward to my tomorrows and I couldn’t wait to be older. When I am older, I know I will look back at my yesterdays, wishing I could go back.

For today, I’m content. Being just me and being 30 !!!