My coffee and I

I was at a conference today. And I had to rush to the venue without my morning cup of coffee. Since I was already late,  I had to attend one whole session in the morning without it. By the time it was over, I was trying hard to focus and also nursing a bad headache. Lunch was then served and figure this, there was no coffee anywhere in sight! I had something to eat, drank a lot of water but my headache still continued. At 10 minutes before the next session, I was frantically looking for any source of coffee that I could find but I couldn't find any!

So, I spent the next session fantasizing about my next cup of coffee. That got me thinking: I don't know at what point in life I got so addicted to this brown/black liquid, my life has never been the same again. Don't get me wrong, I use the term "addiction" quite lightly. My journey in graduate school would have never been the same without it. Two cups a day were a given and attending any seminar would mean gulping down some more just before it started. If I was writing something, that would call for a venti-sized cup of glorious coffee. I could point you to places for the best coffee and I could also tell you which talks served good free coffee. It was almost something that we, as grad students bonded over. To cut a long story short I couldn't have survived grad school without it.

When I say "addicted", I mean it quite lightly because for the two years when I was pregnant and breastfeeding Pickles, I had stopped drinking coffee. Absolutely! And guess what, I actually wrote out my entire PhD thesis without a drop of it! I'm proud of it because if you've not been there, you have no idea what I'm talking about. It is no trivial matter, this. Once I had my first cup after the long hiatus, there was no going back. We were united again like we were never apart, my coffee and I.

Back to this afternoon, when finally the second session was coming to an end, I had made up my mind that if there was no coffee, I would just leave. Anyway, my brain was almost useless by then. But somebody heard my prayers, and there it was, that aroma. At that point, it was the sweetest smell in the universe.  I went seeking it and I found my salvation. It's another matter that the coffee was quite bad but I couldn't have asked for anything more. I was happy again. Happy to go back, sit through and actually enjoy some more talks.

So, what's your poison?

My 10 minutes of fame -II

You can see the first part of this post here.

And so it finally dawned. The day I was supposed to make my presentation to the BIG scientific community. You might think I'm making a very big deal out of this but to me, it was a big deal. And probably that's why I was putting enormous pressure on myself to do this right!

Usually student and post-doc presentations are held in the afternoon after the symposias are over in the morning and most of them are held in small rooms. But imagine my horror when I was told I was supposed to present in one of the big symposia halls itself. These symposia halls are big ones with the capacity to hold at least 600-800 people. Since the speaker cannot be see by everyone, there is a huge screen which projects the live feed of the speaker. So, every single expression on the speaker's face is obvious to everyone. Every grimace, every frown and every bead of sweat is out there for everyone to see. But the good thing about it was since there is so much light on the speaker's face and the rest of the room is dark, you don't realize there is an audience. You might as well be in an empty room.

So, anyway on the day itself, I was too nervous to actually concentrate on any of the morning talks. During lunch I couldn't really eat much either. My talk was scheduled to be at 2 pm. All my friends and colleagues were wishing me luck and making random conversation. But I couldn't really get my head to do anything. So I went to the auditorium a little ahead of time. 

To my surprise, my supervisor was already there. I was touched to know that he was there even before me. Have I mentioned he is one of the best bosses around. (And no, he is not reading this blog. I am sure!) He wished me luck again and told me just to be myself. He told  me about his first talk and how it was a horror-show and that it would only get better. I can only hope. 

Ten minutes to two, I went to the chair (not the electric one, just the chair-person of the session) along with  other speakers of the session.The chair told us we each had 2 minutes extra as one speaker had cancelled out. So I now had 10 minutes for my talk and 2 minutes for questions. I was delighted that I could manage with time to spare. I don't have to face the timer ticking on my slides if I take too long. One of the other speakers sat right next to me. He was a post-doctoral fellow and I'm so thankful to him. I didn't even catch his name. The only thing he said to me was " Why are you so nervous? You do realize that you know more about this project than anyone else in the audience does!" , which is actually very very true. That did boost my morale quite a bit. 

And then, my name was announced. And today's first speaker is Dr. Maya. The chair person didn't know I was a phd student. And he also said " He is going to speak to us about...",  he didn't know I was female either. He did apologize when I went on stage, but by then I didn't care any more. After I was at the podium, everything else went blank in my memory for the next 9-10 minutes. It was just me and my slides.I know I blanked out a few times, but came back immediately, which my colleagues said they didn't notice. And then there was applause. I was too blank to notice that too. Then the dreaded Q and A session started. Every one of the people who asked me a question complimented my talk/work. Maybe they just did that just as a formality. Nevertheless, it felt good. I am proud to say I answered all questions. Surprisingly, it did look as though I knew more than I thought I did! My Q and A session was better than I had ever dreamed of. After a round of 8-9 questions, I came down the podium and sat through the other talks in a daze. After the session, my boss came up to me and patted my back and said, "You did well, kid!".That meant a lot to me. 

And just like that it was over. There! I had given my first presentation at an international conference in front of at least 500 people.

I am hoping that someday, I will look back and laugh at myself and think how silly I was to feel so nervous about a talk. And that is one reason I am recording this in such detail.

And now that the tough part is over, let the holiday begin.

My 10 minutes of fame - I

My 8 10 minutes of fame

It all started in the end of july when I was making plans to attend my annual conference. This year I decided to to the UK, having already gone to Europe and US the last 2 years. So, there was this conference in Glasgow in September that I decided on. When I told my supervisor, he was quite happy coz he said he was going to this conference too. And I found that quite a few of my colleagues were going too. So, it would be a fun lab trip. That was that. It was decided.  I was going to Glagow!

How it usually works is that you send out your abstract (a brief summary of your research findings) and then the conference organizers choose a few of them for actual oral presentations and all the othes go into the poster category where you only present a poster, like I've been doing the last couple of years. So, quite certain that it would be the case this year as well, I submitted my abstract. Then we all started making plans for the trip and where we would travel afterward etc etc. A few days later, all my colleagues got their acceptance letters for posters but I didn't. I was just beginning to think that the unthinkable had happened and my abstract had been rejected (which almost never happens, coz they accept 98% of the abstracts). And then it came! The email which said my abstract had been chosen for an oral presentation. 

Ohhhh, the horror!! I have to make a presentation in front of a huge audience. I spent the next two days in shock, excitement, stress and then shock again. And there began my preparation of my slides, getting my data in good shape, presentation and practice. My supervisor was super proud and wanted to make sure I do a good job. He always said "You'll be fine. Just be yourself!". He made me prepare my slides well in advance , went through it in fine detail and then made me practice my actual presentation. The problem was, you see in such conferences, all the big shots get about 30 minutes to present but measly students/post docs get only 8 minutes. That was the tough part. Because you see, you have to give just a short introduction to your work, present all your good data, conclude and thank everyone, all in just 8 minutes. In all my practice sessions, no matter how many slides I cut down, how fast I spoke or how little I said about each slide, my presentation always took at least 10 minutes. I decided I'll take it as it comes and set off....

And then we came to Glasgow! Unlucky as I am, my talk was scheduled to be on the last day of the conference. So I had to bear the stress for 4 more days. And I couldn't actually enjoy Glasow much but I still did as much as i could, with the presentation in the back of my head. The day before the last day, there was a party which I had intended to skip, but my boss insisted that all of us go. And so I went. And I'm so glad I did. I had a ball. It's been a long time since I had that much fun at a party full of strangers. It's amazing to see all the scientists having so much fun. It seemed that they were actually for real. The serious speakers and sharks drinking, letting their hair down and having a good time. It was a fun party with 3 parallel sessions of different music, one of them of course being the Scottish pipes, with the band called the red hot chilli pipers. 

Did I mention I did the Scottish dance, with my boss and other team members and of course the kilt-wearing pipers. We had a roaring good time. I'm glad I went to the party for another reason, it took my mind off the stress for the talk. We partied until late and as soon as I went back, I was fast asleep. I had a dream though, that I went to present and my slides weren't showing as they were prepared on a Mac and we had to use windows to present. So I said I'll just use my own computer. Then I couldn't find my adaptor and by the time I ran around looking for an adaptor, they said my time i.e 8 minutes were up. So I couldn't present any more.

When I woke up in a sweat, I realized it is THE day. My first thought was OMG!! I was stressed. I had intended to do a few more practice sessions but that didn't happen due to the party. But I told myself I had done it enough number of times, so much that even in my sleep I was running through my slides.I was going to be ok.

More to come. Watch this space!

The long haul

It all started on a Friday morning at 6 am, when my colleagues and I set off to the airport to catch a flight to San Francisco. We were all very excited about this trip and it had very little to do with the conference we were supposed to attend. We were all very chatty in the cab and kept talking all the way until, my colleague realized she hadn’t brought our conference posters. (These posters are basically research presentations that grad students like us present at conferences and the very reason why we get funds to go) By the time we realized this though, we were so close to the airport and we didn't have the time to make a trip back again.

My colleague called someone and asked him to get the poster to us at the airport. That smart person though, didn’t want to make a trip to the airport and put our posters on a cab and asked the cabbie to deliver it to the airport. I find it strange that the cabbie agreed to do this because if he was late, we would have left and he would be stuck with some posters and no fare. Anyway, the poor cabbie sped all the way to get to us just in time before the check-in gates closed. You see, we couldn’t hand-carry these poster-tubes. They look like some kind of weapons. So, we had to check them in.

And then, we had to run to board our flights. And when we were at immigration, we saw these excruciatingly long queues of people. Turns out that the automated system was down and only manual immigration was possible. This almost never happens in Singapore. After requesting a few kind people, we moved ahead and then ran all the way to our boarding gates. We were the last people to board the flight. In the end, whew, we made it!

When we reached Hong Kong, the flight kept circling around the airport for half an hour. It seems they didn’t get clearance to land or something like that. And we had a connecting flight to catch in an hour. Guess what, the mad rush started all over again. We made it by the skin of our teeth. But yay, we made it.

After all this, I was really tired. After almost losing my conference notes, almost missing my flight, I found myself sitting next to a cranky old lady on the long haul flight. It must have easily been the longest flight of my life and add to it, some really bad weather. The worst turbulence I’ve experienced, ever! At one point, I almost said my last prayers, thinking to myself ..."What a way to die!".

When we landed in SFO, it was then that I realized that it was Friday, the thiteenth. I am not a superstitious person but after what happened all day, I would have believed anything. But thank God, it was over now. But then, wait a minute I travelled the whole day and when I land in the USA, its still Friday the thirteenth! and only morning at that. The whole day is ahead of us. Oh boy, has it been a really long day!!

After flying for 19 hours straight, I really dread the flight back. Thank God that I'm gonna be here for a while. I didn't think I would be jet lagged and SO jet lagged at that. My friends are fast asleep and I don’t feel sleepy at all. I am amazed by how little sleep I can get away with and still remain functional.


I am still up at 4am. I have not slept a wink since we got here and it has been 42 hours since I got here. It's amazing that I'm still functional after that. Do forgive me if this post makes no sense at all. I'm sleep-deprived and can't think of anything else to do!!

Yay!

_{To a good friend who asked if I was high, “Yes, I am. I so am. I’m high on the weather, the picturesque views, the food, the cheese and ah, yes the wine “}

YAY! Today is the last day of the conference. It was a great experience. It was nice to put faces to the big names in the field and actually get an idea as to what kind of people they really are. I always used to think that researchers are simple people but not anymore! They/We really are a complex set of people with different temperaments, just like anyone else.

The conference was also an eye opener. I always knew people work hard and I still think so. But now I can also see “science” in a different light. I can see the competition, the “need” to be famous, the dirty politics and of course the facades behind the goody-goody behaviors. I could clearly demarcate the scientific community into three categories:

1)   The Big Sharks: These are the already well-known scientists that poor graduate students like me ooh-aah about. They may be cool and composed but they can get down and dirty as soon as someone encroaches their areas. Not to say they wont do the same. They have their fingers in every possible pie (any project that is “hot”) and want a piece of the action everywhere.

2)   The Small-time Sharks: These are the not so well known scientists but want to get there. They try all possible tactics to get there too. They are at conferences looking for any possible ideas they may be able to poach. They will do all they can to get at people’s unpublished data and see if they can do something about it, to their own benefit of course.

3)   The last category is of course, the Nobody…poor old grad students like me, who don’t really have much of a say in the on goings. They gawk at the speakers and are awed by being in the same room as the great scientists.

And looks can be very deceptive. You can never tell who’s who in a meeting. The tiny little woman in that corner…no, she’s not a grad student. She is actually a big-time shark who can eat you up whole if she finds a flaw in your data. People actually want to turn and run if she stands up during the Q&A session. And the huge fierce looking guy sitting right in the front is actually a grad student. He just looks fierce but he’s harmless. But the small time sharks, you can actually recognize them by the cameras in their hands. In spite of several announcements that say “No photography”, they will take pictures of the slides with flash and all.

Yes, the conference was really an eye-opener. Good or bad, I’m in this for good.

Right now, I’m a nobody. Lets see where I’ll be in a few years from now.

All work and no play

No matter how good the science or how interesting the presentations are, listening to talks from 8:00 am to 10:00 pm with some breaks in between is TIRING, to say the least ! And I am so brain-dead. Seriously, what were the organisers thinking??

Back to Reality

“NEWSFLASH!! This is not your vacation. At least, not yet. You are here for a conference! Even if you are in Switzerland, you are here first to listen to these people talk about their work and contributions to research!” That’s what I was telling myself, sitting at the conference today where I got a steady dose of data and facts about breakthrough research and basically, reaffirmations that I am but a nobody.

I felt so small, sitting with the likes of Ralph Steinman and Ken Shortman. (For the uninitiated, these are the leading scientists working in my field of research). I was even breathing the same air as them. You would think it would be inspiring. Not so much! It's actually intimidating, scary even.

Will I ever be in the same league as them, or even come close? I don’t know. But right now I’m feeling so damn insignificant. How the hell am I going to present my work to these people. I just want to curl up and hide someplace where I won’t be seen for the rest of the conference.

First Impressions

After dreaming about it for a long time, watching it on endless Karan Johar movies and contemplating for the last six months, I’m finally here!!! I’m in Switzerland! I’m not on vacation as I’m here on a conference but it sure doesn’t feel like it. Just landed here this morning. I’m supposed to be jetlagged but I don’t think I can sleep. I’m so excited!

Some random thoughts:

• I had my first vision of snow (yeah, I’ve never seen snow before)I could see the snow on the Alps today but it’s still so far away. I will be going there soon, in about a week’s time. I can’t wait!
• The weather here is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!! Anywhere you look, there’s a beautiful picture-perfect, postcard-view! That reminds me, I need to buy a few (postcards , not views)
• My room in the hotel overlooks the Lake Lugano and It’s amazing to sit out and watch. I could do this for hours.
• I can actually wear my Harvard Sweatshirt without having to take it off in a minute because I’m feeling hot.
• I have been here for one whole day and I haven’t had a bead of perspiration.
• There is SOOOO much time on my hands. Maybe I’m jetlagged and that’s why I can’t sleep too much but works for me.
• The people here are so beautiful. The men are total eye candy. Even the women are so hot, even if I say so.
• The dogs here are incredibly cute and there are so many of them. It seems like they are allowed anywhere, even on buses and in departmental stores!
• The birds are fat, Trust me, a sparrow is twice the size of any sparrow I’ve seen.
• The cheese is great and is present in every possible food you decide to eat. Actually, so is meat. I guess a vegetarian could live just on the cheese. But I wonder how the people here stay so fit.
• There was a marathon here today. Felt good that I was watching instead of running it. J I guess I just answered my own question (on how people stay fit). People are actually running in sweatshirts! After running in Singapore, where I cant imagine running in anything but shorts and singlets, it’s amazing to think you can actually run and not feel hot in sweatshirts.

I will post pictures soon, just not today. I’ll be here for some time even after the conference is over. I hope I do get time to blog and share a little :)