Complicated

Relationships are complicated. The ones with family, with friends, with the spouse and everyone else. I've always thought of myself as a perceptive and sensitive person. I've never hurt anybody's feelings intentionally. And if something could be resolved without a fight, I would take that way. Which is why I've always hated confrontations. I've always made it my business to make sure nobody got hurt, even if I've suffered in the process.

But now, I think I'm changing. I find myself being less tolerant to things and people that give me stress. Maybe it is because I'm growing older or maybe because I have enough baggage of my own without adding extra from other people. So, I try and avoid people who are cryptic and can't be straight about how they feel. If you want to continually keep me guessing about what went wrong, I will definitely try but after some effort, I just might give up. I neither have the time nor the inclination to keep prodding at something that is not giving me anything but grief. It's probably best for me to let go.

I think it's about time I'm kinder to myself. I have come to realize that I ought to think about myself first. No one else will.

Blessings

There are people and then there are some other people.

The kind who can turn a really bad situation around with just a few words.

The kind who’ll always tell you to look at the bright side no matter what. And who practice what they preach. You’ll never catch them in a bad mood and if you ever do, something’s gone terribly wrong!

The kind who you look forward to speaking to, and use any excuse to do it.

The kind who’ll make you feel good about yourself, every single time.

The kind who make you believe that the world is indeed a beautiful place, albeit because of them.

And I’m so glad to have a few such people in my life!

Z: Zero

Zero is the number of posts I have left for this challenge. Zero is also the enthusiasm and energy that I have left! While I am happy that it is over, a part of me is also sad. But yeah, I'll stick to mostly happy.

This A-Z challenge has been relatively easier when compared to the last year. While I was a lot less panicky this time around, I know I didn't do justice to a lot of posts too. I would blame the 27767367864 things happening in my life right now and an equal number of things that I've had to deal with, at the same time. So, yeah, I have no regrets. I'm glad I made it to the finish. At one point, I was considering abandoning the challenge but no, I don't think I could have lived with that. So, I went ahead and continued anyway.

The trip to India was a good one. I went with zero expectations, knowing fully well that I couldn't do everything I wanted to with Pickles and I just wanted him to have a good time and get to know all those people who really matter to me. And since I went with no expectations, it was great how everything just fell into place. Although I couldn't really meet all the people I wanted to, I managed to at least have some one-on-one time (however little that was) with most of the people. I do feel sad that I couldn't meet some of them but hey, we're coming back soon. Although a few unpleasant events happened towards the end of the trip, I'm glad we made it back and maybe I will write about it. Maybe when I'm more ready for it though. Another thing I realised this time also was that it's great to have family around. Things seem so much more bearable when they are around!

At the end of this challenge, I made a promise to myself that I will definitely try and blog a little more than I have in the past. All those unwritten posts will make it to this space, and hopefully soon. I will try and not let life get in the way. I think it is a great way of chronicling everything that's happening and I know I will enjoy reading it myself someday and so will Pickles. So, for his sake and mine, I will make that happen. So for now, the plan is to blog once a week at least. And those of you who are reading this(I'm talking to the four of you, yes!), you can find me and kick my ass if I don't. 

X:.xls files

When I was young(er!) and computers were the new in-thing, MS-Office was one of the things that was assumed to be important. At that time, Word and Powerpoint took precedence over Excel. MS Excel was then thought to be important for people who worked with numbers a.k.a finance consultants and bankers. I never paid much importance to Excel and it was always something that I used only when I was using numbers.

Enter the new me. Today I think MS Excel is one of the most used programs on my computer. From home budgets to grocery lists, to do lists to chores, resolutions to plans, everything is on excel sheets.
Even at work, Excel sheets are one of my most used. I work for a place which generates tons and tons of data and I cant even imagine a world without Excel. If it wasn't for Excel, I think people like me, who are not exactly bioinformaticians would have to take exclusive courses to learn to analyse the data, which we can now do only if we can get a .xls or .csv file out of it.

As you probably already know, I love making lists. I just did a quick survey of the .xls files on my computer and I'll tell you what I use them for and I'm not even talking about any work related stuff at all. At the risk of showing you my OCDness, here I present a snapshot of the .xls files on my computer.

1) Grocery shopping lists/Meal plans

2)  Expense sheets/budget plans

3) Baby shower/ Birthday guest lists and plans

4) Various checklists

5) Various wish lists (places to visit, books to read, movies to watch, you name it)\

6) Inventories

7) House-hunting details

8) Travel itineraries

So there, I've said it. I don't think I can live without .xls files any more!

T: Too late

This is too late to post but I'm too OC to leave out a letter, so here's just an excuse of a post. I happen to be in between Singapore and India with a toddler in tow and that's my excuse. But I promise, the next letter will  be better and I will do justice to U!

L: Living life on your own terms

R's grandma passed away yesterday. She was 83 years old and all this while she was living in the village, by herself, tending to her cows, cooking her own food and some villagers had her back. All this time, she refused to come and live with her children or with her brothers and sisters. She was labelled 'stubborn' and after repeated attempts of coaxing her to stay with someone, she still constantly refused. Today, they said she might have lived a longer life and could have 'lived like a queen', had she agreed to live with her children. Does it really matter? Isn't it true that she did whatever she wanted, however she chose and for as long as she lived, she lived life on her own terms? I agree that she lived rather precariously, walking bare foot and doing chores her age wouldn't agree with. But who gets to decide what is wise and what is foolish? I mean, isn't your life your own to make your choices? I guess not! Why should you get labelled a 'rebel', when you just make a different choice? I mean, isn't that what individuality is all about? About making your choices and each person is different because of them.

That got me thinking. At what point do we start doing things just because they are expected of us? And at what point do those things actually become the things we do? I'm not really sure that line even exists. When does this social conditioning begin? For me, I don't know when this started and I can't even put a finger on what I do because I like to and what I've just grown up to like, because I don't know any better. It's a very scary thought for me that I could have been a whole different person doing something else if I had made my choices without being 'required' to do something. And I'm not even talking about big life choices, (of course I have been lucky enough to study what I want, marry who I want and live where I choose to). I'm talking about small things like choosing your clothes, friends, loving who you want and respecting people because you want to and not because you ought to, among so many other things. And don't even get me started on the social conditioning of the male in India and maybe other places!

All these things are suddenly important to me because I want to make sure I give Pickles what I didn't have: the option to make those choices. Although I know I will probably make some choices for him when he's young, I at least hope he is an active participant in most choices and that we can talk about them. I'll let you know in a few years about how that is turning out. But for now, I don't want to be forced into making certain parenting choices just because 'everybody else does so'! Issue in question (at this point): his tonsure. I know I need to pick my battles and at this point, I'm not even sure if this is worth it. But at what point does one draw the line? At what point do you actively start questioning why you ought to do what everybody does? But again, I'm not judging people who do certain things. I'm just saying that I would do what works for me.

I really hope the world is different in a few years from now and the children of the future have lesser rules to adhere to and more active choices. And I'm quite positive it will happen.

I: India

This one had to be a no-brainer considering Pickles and I are making this trip here at this time. And yet, it took me a while to actually come up with it!

So, Pickles and I are here in India, making our almost-annual trip and both of us are having a good time, not to mention the happiness of the people around. I'm making a note of the most important facets of this trip so far.

1) The most important is the amount of Love that Pickles and I have been at the receiving end of. I can see why it is so easy to get spoiled on this. From parents, sisters, cousins, friends and all, its something that keeps pulling me this way every single time.

2) The number of people Pickles has been meeting is probably more than he would meet in Singapore in a year. No, I'm not kidding! And yet, he remembers the names of every single person he's met so far. I'm hoping I can keep that memory instilled.

3)The food! I really dont know where to start on that one. On one end, I'm stuffing my face with all that mom's cooking just for me and on the other, the numerous restaurants that I want to relive and newer ones to try.

4) The weather, this time is a bitch. It is the same as in Singapore, hot! But at least its not humid, so I'm happy to deal with that.

5) The traffic, can it get any worse? Apparently, it can!

6) It feels like a vacation and yet it has been pretty tiring considering my day revolves around Pickles' routine. It is hard to fly solo!

I'm not looking forward to the end of this vacation and I guess no matter how many days I spend here, it will still never be enough!

Evolution

They're born, so helpless, just knowing only how to feed.
They learn slowly, to laugh, to crawl, to walk and to to talk.
They learn each day from their environment, they adapt.
They try different things, see what gets them results.
And anything that gets them what they want, that habit's a keeper.
And how fast they grow, they make you forget how tiny and helpless they started out!

Babies! It's fascinating to watch them grow.

This is what evolution must be like, just on a larger timescale.

House hunting

So, R and I have started to look for a new place. Our current tenancy expires soon and we think we're done with this flat. When we moved here two years ago, we were expecting Pickles soon. It feels like we moved here a lifetime ago. It's the home we brought Pickles to, from the hospital. It's the home which witnessed many of his firsts. For that this place will always remain special.

But still, it's time to move out of comfort zone and look for a place that will offer us the same comfort again. We're now looking for a place which can offer more for Pickles. And us too. It has been exciting but also exhausting. We still haven't found a place yet but hopefully we'll find something that is just perfect and then some. Fingers crossed. I'll keep you posted! :)

And Sunday is over just like that

Its 11pm and I have no idea what my post for today is going to be about. At least the Sundays were off during the April challenge! This is proving to be harder than I thought. Today's post is going to be super random.  I'll have to put in a bit more to make sure this doesn't happen again tomorrow!

Friday: 

At work, think about the weekend and smile, think TGIF, work, plan for things to do during the weekend, work, have lunch, talk about plans for the weekend, work, smile again, TGIF, procrastinate a little bit, slack a little, finish all correspondences, indulge in a quick drink with friends before you head home, do all the usual weekday night routines, plan to watch a movie after Pickles goes to bed, doze off with Pickles, wake up and look at clock, too late to do anything else, plan to wake up for a run in the morning, just go back to sleep.

Saturday: 

Wake up late, feel guilty, make breakfast, play with Pickles, on no it's lunchtime, do chores, bake a little, chores, shop for the week, plan to watch a movie, doze off 10 minutes into the movie.

Sunday:

Wake up feeling lazy, play with Pickles and whooooooooooosh...it's Sunday night already!

Where the hell did my weekend go?

Elevator angst

I'm not generally a judgemental person. I try hard not to judge people and I think I'm getting better at it.

I'm sorry but I can't help judging you when...

You are THAT person who waits for a good five minutes at the lift lobby and braves the crowded lift only to ride up to the second floor.

Or THAT person who gets into the elevator on the 7th floor and then gets off on the 8th. It is still just one floor, you know!

And you do this EVERY single day!

And I know for a fact that you are absolutely in the pink of your health.

And you talk about running marathons and sustainability issues!

Seriously!

I want to scream "Take the stairs!" every time I see you!

Darn! I really need to work harder at this!

Of Listmakers and heartbreakers

I like making lists but I'm not a pathological list maker. I was listening to someone who'd made a long list of pros (read good things) and cons (and bad things) about an actual person. I was baffled at first. Why would you do that?

That made me wonder, when do we start making these I love.. and I hate.. lists about the characteristics of a person? I think it is something we do when we're deciding to get into a relationship.  (Remember that episode of Friends when Ross makes a list about Rachel and Julie? ) Or looking for reasons to get out of one.

But I think heart of hearts, we already know the answer. We just need those lists to justify the decision.

Pintsized wit

Pickles and I go to the children's playground every evening. It is our special time together.
We've made lots of new friends in the last few months. I am always amused by some of the thought processes of these kids. 

Overheard at the children's playground.


Kid 1: I'm superman!
Me: Ok. then Pickles is Batman.
Kid 1: No, he is not!
Me: Why?
Kid 1: He cannot be Batman. You can be Batman.
Me: But why?
Kid 1: Because you are Batman
Me: Oh, and he?
Kid 1: He can be Robin!
Me: Ok. But why?
Kid 1: Because Superman and Batman can fly. Robin cannot!


Continued with the same kid on another day
Me: Hello, Superman!
Kid 1: No, I'm Batman.
Me: Why?
Kid 1: Beacuse Batman can also fly.
Me: But, Batman cannot fly. Only Superman can.
Kid1: How do you know? I saw on TV.
Me: I saw on TV too. Batman cannot fly.
Kid 1: On my TV, Batman can fly! Your TV is spoilt!


Kid 3: Can you wait for a while longer? There is still some bubble solution left in the gun.
Me: It's ok. Leave some for tomorrow.
Kid 3: Oh! I'm not sure I will come tomorrow!
Me: :/


Kid 4 played with Pickles' ball and his truck and his bubble gun.
Me: Oh! Pickles has to go home now. Bye!
Kid 1: Can you bring his guns tomorrow. I like playing with guns.
Me: Oh! Pickles has no guns. Why don't you bring your own?
Kid 1(Totally ignoring my question): Just bring whatever toys he has. It's ok!


Kid 5 played with Pickles and his ball for a while.
Kid 5: I'm bored now. Lets play run and catch now.
Me: But Pickles is too little. He can't chase you.
Kid 5: But you can! Let him play with his ball and you can chase me.


Me to Kid 6: Hello there!
Kid 6: Hello! My name is xyz.
Me: Hello, xyz! His name is Pickles.
Kid 6 (totally ignoring an excited Pickles):But what is your name? I want to be friends with you!
Me: Oh ok. My name is Maya. Now can you be friends with Pickles too.
Kid 6: He is too little to be friends with me.
Me: How old are you?
Kid 6: Four!

Slowing down

So, we are all set to go on our first holiday with Pickles. Although it is a simple one in a lot of ways, R and I are a bit nervous about it. We picked a place that is a short journey from here, it is only a 3-day trip and a place well known for it's management. Hopefully, no surprises there.

Ever since we have planned this vacation, I have been making a mental checklist of sorts. I have been telling myself that I must use my camera after the long hiatus. That I must read some more of the book that I've been reading and try to maybe, finish reading it too. Then of course, I want to spend quality time with Pickles, show him the beach and share this new experience with him. Of course I want to swim a lot too, with Pickles no less. And then I even caught myself hoping that I would get to have some long-awaited conversations with R during this trip. And yes, I want to write a little too. And I have gone on and on. And of course, it started to stress me out. So many expectations!

And then I decided that 'Wait!, this was supposed to be a holiday. Shouldn't I be more relaxed about it?'

So yes, *breathe* we're going in the relaxed mode for now. We'll take things as they come. Lets see how that goes. See you on the other side!

Y is for Yesterday

Yesterday, I thought smoking was cool and was willing to even try. Today, I will shoo you away from a distance, if I see a cigarette in your hands.

Yesterday, I would roll my eyes at a parent, if I saw a noisy and/or messy kid. Today, I'll just meet the parent's eye, give them a silent nod of understanding and help if I can.

Yesterday, I swore I wouldn't be 'that' parent, who wont stop talking about their kids. Today, I try hard not to be but I probably would, if you show the slightest sign that you are interested.

Yesterday, I  judged people (a lot!). Today, I can empathise and I know everyone is trying to do their best.

Yesterday, I thought nothing of watching a 3 hour movie at a stretch. Today, I think it's a luxury (Is that even possible anymore?!)

Yesterday, I complained I was sleepy even after a full night's sleep. Today, I'm happy with whatever little sleep I can get.

Yesterday, I thought I didn't have enough hobbies. Today, I say, 'what's that, again?!'

Yesterday, I complained that I had no time. Today, I still do (I suspect I always will).

Yesterday, I did a lot of foolish things. Today, I'm just glad I lived to tell the tale.

Yesterday, I was young and foolish. Today, I am older and maybe a little wiser(?)

U is for Uncategorized

Just to give you an idea about what was churning in my head, all day, yesterday. Read at your own risk!

U is for U2, the first thing that came to mind before writing this post. Did I tell you I love them?

U is also Unbreak my heart,which was playing on loop in my head yesterday while thinking of a word for U. And just to be clear, I'm not very fond of that song. It's just that the word 'un-break' bothers me.

U is for University where I had the most fun of my life.

U is for Urvashi theatre, where I watched movies in college, after bunking lots of classes.

U is for Ugly duckling, which I always was. I don't know when the transformation will happen. I'm still waiting.

U is for Unsolicited advice, that I don't take well to. Sure, go on all you like. I might even nod and humour you but it doesn't mean I will take it (your advice, I mean).

U is for Unspoken rules, the ones, which you should always adhere to.

U is for Urban Bites, which is one of our favourite haunts for middle eastern fare, which reminds me, we haven't been there in a while.

U is for UK (Upahaara Kendra, not United Kingdom), which reminds me of their mouth-watering dosas.

U is for unlimited. I can go on and on with this post, the list for U in the dictionary is huge.

U is for Unintentional, if this post gave you any grief.

S is for Simple pleasures

That wonderful trail of coffee aroma that says 'come and get me!'

The broad grin on the little one's face that greets you first thing in the morning.

Looking at old photographs and reliving memories.

An unexpected nap at noon.

A phone call out of the blue, from an old long lost friend.

A simple home-cooked meal at the end of a stressful day.

Meeting green lights at all the traffic signals on your way to work.

The realisation when you wake up that it is still 3 am and you can go back to sleep again.

Finding the perfect pair of shoes/dress at the first stop during a shopping spree.

A Good-hair day amidst many bad ones.

Setting foot indoors the moment it starts pouring outside.

A quiet, uninterrupted conversation with R over dinner.

Hearing an old favourite song playing somewhere, one that you haven't heard in ages.

Being at the receiving end of the first kiss from your baby.

N is for No

'No', sounds pretty simple, right. How hard can it be to say it?

Well, it turns out that for some people (like me), this can be pretty hard. It's not like I'm a yes-man and I can disagree. But I find it very hard to say no to other people.

If at work, someone asks me for help, I always oblige. But sometimes, I find that I am running around, stressed and doing things for some people when they are actually relaxing with a cup of coffee. It pisses me off no end, but I just try to be nice. When they ask, I think they really need help but at times, I feel I am being taken advantage of. I'm trying now to draw the line.

Take another instance, I can never say I can't make it to a party. Or worse, if someone invites themselves to our home, I still can't say no. Due to this, I find that our weekend schedules are always full, even if I want to spend some quiet time with my family. R always complains that I over plan our weekends, when the truth is it just gets planned. I almost have nothing to do with it. Except that sometimes, I want to say no but I can't.

It's not like I'm the nicest person around and neither do I want to be. But I don't want to change the way I am just because some people take advantage of it (some without even realising it). But if you think, I'm a pushover, well I'm not. I can stand up for myself when the need arises. But it all boils down to this simple thing, I can't say no. I try but the words just get stuck on my tongue and I just can't spit them out. I admire people who can say no without any guilt whatsoever, even at the cost of hurting the other person involved. But that's not me. Neither do I want to be that person. I'm just saying that I want to be able to say no when nobody stands to get hurt and that will maybe buy me some peace.

So, what's your take? Can you say no? How do you do it?

M is for Motherhood

This was a no-brainer for me! M had to be for Motherhood. With this post, I've actually made it halfway through the challenge. How are you faring?

"Wait till you have a kid, and then you will know!", I've heard this enough number of times from my mum and several other mums too. I guess it is true, motherhood teaches you so many things, it's amazing! It's almost like with the title mum, you also get many other qualities imbibed into you, just by diffusion or something. Motherhood has changed me in so many ways that sometimes I wonder if I am still the same person at all. The list below is not exhaustive, just things I could think of over the top of my head:

Sleep
I have always been a person who needed a minimum of 8 hours a night. I could hardly function well without sleep. That is one of the first things that changed after motherhood. I can hardly remember a night since Pickles was born, where I even slept for 6 hours straight. Now I am amazed at how little sleep I can actually get by with.

Patience
Patience was initially a virtue that I was completely devoid of. I used to think R would be the one who's more patient with the kids and I would be the impatient parent. But I was wrong. I find myself being patient with Pickles for things that would have driven me crazy before he came along. Although I've always had a short fuse for a lot of things, with Pickles, I've actually surprised myself time and again. I can actually do the same thing a million times with him, sing the same songs, read the same books over and over,  and generally handle him without losing it. I used to always wonder how Ma could be so patient. Now I think, it's probably due to the fact that she has four children, so she would have needed four times the amount of patience to handle us!

Multitasking
If I thought I was good at multitasking before, now I must be a super multi-tasker or something. My mind is constantly a whirr of things that need to be done. And I am always planning the next thing to do on my calendar even as I am finishing a task. Planning work in the lab has never been better. I try and get as much done in as little time as I can, just so I can be home in time for Pickles! No more working late nights or weekends for me. Making shopping lists, grocery shopping, planning meals and everything else happens like clockwork. Calls to friends and family are only during travel time and that is the only time I have to talk/message.

Extra energy?
As I mentioned above, all that multitasking ensures that I get so many things done! Sometimes, I find it amazing that I have energy left even when I am overwhelmed with fatigue. I can actually get up from bed to do that one little chore that I had forgotten about (a thought that was laughable at one time!). And to top it all, I can wake up in the middle of the night to pump breastmilk if need be. My current mantra is, 'what doesn't kill you, actually makes you stronger'.

Paranoia
I am bothered by things that never bothered me earlier. I am scared about a lot of things, like climate change! I worry about what kind of a world I've brought Pickles into. I find myself crinkling up my nose at smokers, especially if they're smoking around Pickles. I refuse to get associated with people, who I think will be a bad influence on him.

I want to be a better person
This is one of the best changes that motherhood has brought about. I am constantly trying to be a better person now, because I want to teach Pickles to do the right things. I figure that if I don't follow what I preach, how can I expect him to take me seriously? Whether it is the silliest of habits like washing hands or important practises like being polite, I have to do it right, so that I can give Pickles something to look up to, something to follow.

More appreciation for my own Mother
I've always loved Ma a lot, and I respect her a great deal. But after I stepped into motherhood, I have a newfound respect for her. When I sometimes complain that it is difficult to manage with a job and one kid, I wonder how she managed singlehandedly four kids and a full-time job with little or almost no help from my dad! And she did an amazing job with all of us. I can't remember even one instance when I needed her and she wasn't there for me, even now!

It just gets me thinking that she set the bar too high. If I can manage to be half the mother that Ma is, I will consider that I have done justice to my role as a mother.

L is for Lucky

or not!

I was lucky that I got pregnant, when so many women have problems.
I thought not, once the morning  all-day-sickness started!

I considered myself unlucky that I gave birth to Pickles in the beginning of the eighth month.
My doctor said I was lucky. Born at 2.5Kg, he would have weighed at least 4 kg if he was full term. 'He saved you a lot of trauma', she said!

I thought I was unlucky that I was cheated out of two months of pregnancy.
Maybe I was lucky that I was spared the most difficult part!

I was unlucky, I thought,  because I had to give birth without any pain medications at all.
The doctor said I was lucky, because a few hours of intense pain was nothing compared to the backache I could have had as a side-effect of the epidural.

Pickles was unlucky, I thought, to have not got two more months in the womb.
But I guess, he is lucky to have an extra two months in his mum's arms.

It's all a matter of perspective, don't you think?